Essay feedback (Dec. 2nd)
I was given the rest of the advice to our essay in today's class so I will just be combining the two classes in one blog post.
The very first comment the teacher made on our essay was our title. It seemed like he was impressed by our title and liked the alliteration happening with the "E's"in the sentence. I decided to use alliteration to make the title somewhat interesting and sound better and I think that was a good decision. It was my first time learning how to write a proper title and was unsure if this was good enough but I think I kind of got the hang of it and am not perfect but know how to make a title for an extended essay. Then, Mr.Paterson talked about some grammatical errors that google had picked up. Overall we had two words with a blue squiggly underline. I was only focused on the errors that grammarly picked up and not on what google had pointed out so I would like to be careful of that in the future. One of the underlined parts was not grammatically wrong and made sense, so the teacher said we did not have to worry about changing it. There are several times where Grammarly or other autocorrecting systems point out a word that does not have to be changed. For the most part, these developments in technology are really helpful but talking with Mr.Paterson made me think about how we can not completely rely on technology and have to have our own opinion towards things as well.
The thesis statement was one of the biggest areas we had trouble with. By the time we were being taught about how to write a thesis statement, we had already written our sections according to our plan. Since the three reasons written in the thesis statement have to be the topic for the three sections I had trouble adjusting that. We had also realized that we were repeating the same thing twice within the sentence so the teacher had helped us fix this and it made the thesis statement so much better. We had thought we had understood how to write a thesis statement but being given advice to what we had written really helps and will help me in the near future when I happen to have to write a thesis statment again. Something that was new to Sayo and myself was the term "sweeping generalization". The teacher told us not to use the word "no one" in our essays because we can not be completely sure that not a single person in the world has a different opinion on what we oppose. This was something that was really agreeable and made a lot of sense to me. I think many people including myself tend to use words such as "no one" or "everyone" so this is something I would like to be careful about. We really made sure to create a good flow into the next section so I was very happy to hear that Mr.Paterson thought we did a good job.
Since we did not finish getting feedback, last class, we continued on today. I had a few mistakes with not capitalizing nouns (plant names) and was told not to write "plantations" and write "plants" instead. I thought that plantation would be fine but the teacher told me that would become a different meaning so I am glad that he fixed that for us. He was impressed with our conclusion which I was very happy about because that is the paragraph I put the most effort into. Mr.Paterson told us that we had a few powerful sentences in the conclusion which was great and something I would like to keep doing in the future. I now know how to write a basic extended essay and the rules I need to follow so I would like to keep practicing and be able to write a more clear and powerful essay!!
Notes (Feedback from Mr.Paterson)
-the thesis statement is too long and tricky, the claim is too long
"no one" you can not say for sure, "most people" sweeping generalization (impossible to say)"etc."
write where you got the research from
ibuki's part: some schools- which schools
The very first comment the teacher made on our essay was our title. It seemed like he was impressed by our title and liked the alliteration happening with the "E's"in the sentence. I decided to use alliteration to make the title somewhat interesting and sound better and I think that was a good decision. It was my first time learning how to write a proper title and was unsure if this was good enough but I think I kind of got the hang of it and am not perfect but know how to make a title for an extended essay. Then, Mr.Paterson talked about some grammatical errors that google had picked up. Overall we had two words with a blue squiggly underline. I was only focused on the errors that grammarly picked up and not on what google had pointed out so I would like to be careful of that in the future. One of the underlined parts was not grammatically wrong and made sense, so the teacher said we did not have to worry about changing it. There are several times where Grammarly or other autocorrecting systems point out a word that does not have to be changed. For the most part, these developments in technology are really helpful but talking with Mr.Paterson made me think about how we can not completely rely on technology and have to have our own opinion towards things as well.
The thesis statement was one of the biggest areas we had trouble with. By the time we were being taught about how to write a thesis statement, we had already written our sections according to our plan. Since the three reasons written in the thesis statement have to be the topic for the three sections I had trouble adjusting that. We had also realized that we were repeating the same thing twice within the sentence so the teacher had helped us fix this and it made the thesis statement so much better. We had thought we had understood how to write a thesis statement but being given advice to what we had written really helps and will help me in the near future when I happen to have to write a thesis statment again. Something that was new to Sayo and myself was the term "sweeping generalization". The teacher told us not to use the word "no one" in our essays because we can not be completely sure that not a single person in the world has a different opinion on what we oppose. This was something that was really agreeable and made a lot of sense to me. I think many people including myself tend to use words such as "no one" or "everyone" so this is something I would like to be careful about. We really made sure to create a good flow into the next section so I was very happy to hear that Mr.Paterson thought we did a good job.
Since we did not finish getting feedback, last class, we continued on today. I had a few mistakes with not capitalizing nouns (plant names) and was told not to write "plantations" and write "plants" instead. I thought that plantation would be fine but the teacher told me that would become a different meaning so I am glad that he fixed that for us. He was impressed with our conclusion which I was very happy about because that is the paragraph I put the most effort into. Mr.Paterson told us that we had a few powerful sentences in the conclusion which was great and something I would like to keep doing in the future. I now know how to write a basic extended essay and the rules I need to follow so I would like to keep practicing and be able to write a more clear and powerful essay!!
Notes (Feedback from Mr.Paterson)
-the thesis statement is too long and tricky, the claim is too long
"no one" you can not say for sure, "most people" sweeping generalization (impossible to say)"etc."
write where you got the research from
ibuki's part: some schools- which schools
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